Soldier

I am afraid my nightmares will escape.
Afraid to sleep, for they may break the delicate barriers.
Sounds, sights, memories…unwelcome, unbidden.
How can I keep them from touching my family?
How can I remove the stain on my soul where evil had touched?
They are everywhere I run – until I can run no more.
They close in on me – fear, shame and that which remains un-named – shoved in my face.

Gasping for breath & tired…tired of running from the fear and the sounds and images
burned into my brain – I retreat.
Life will never be the same.
Why can’t they remain hidden?
Why do they haunt me?
They haunt me because it has become part of me…I am scared.

Spouse

When I look into his eyes – a stranger looks back.
I see a person haunted with painful experiences.
At night, I hear him stalking the corridors of his memories.
What does he seek, and why does it scare him?

I am afraid to touch the crumbling barrier he as erected around him –
knowing it is delicate and soon to collapse.

What will emerge from behind that wall?
Perhaps the man I seem to have lost somewhere?
Since when does the cost of freedom mean not only lives –
but souls too?
I may never be able to understand – but I will love all of him
including the fear, and that which remains un-named – for it is part of him.
I am scared.

Children

I don’t understand. I know he has to leave for his job – to make the country safe.
He is always gone. He has always come back.
But this time is different. His body is my dad’s.
But he is different now.
He doesn’t laugh anymore – and that scares me.
I don’t think he knows himself. I don’t know how to act around him,
and I don’t know how to make it better.
I will hide, and maybe the problem will go away.
I am scared.


This is why, especially on every veteran’s day, I thank not only the soldiers and veterans but their families as well. For those who have no connection to the armed services, maybe this will give you a glimpse of what many service families go through.

by Jan Toomer


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