Many know of my past struggles with my mother and how I used Ho’oponopono to heal the imbalanced energy – not only within myself, but also my energy to and towards my mother.
This past year I received pictures and other Jan-related items that my mother had kept. In the items was a letter I’d written to my father and “A Letter To My Father” that had been sent in a packet that included my resume and a brief on my family, both which were missing.
I did have hopes back then when I wrote it and mailed it to Dad, but, as shared in my book Re-Writing My Future: A Stroke in Time, it appeared to have been intercepted by my mother. She replied rather aggressively to the letter I sent to Dad.
As I re-read these, I realize I hadn’t been triggered. I really did heal my side of the energy between us. Yay!
* * *
May 18, 1993
Dear Dad,
I am not seeking revenge. I’ve argued long and hard with myself. I’ve argued long and hard with (my husband). I’ve asked “what would happen if I tell him?” I tell others my story, and help others work theirs out. But my questions concerning you are still unresolved. Would you forever hate me for telling you? Would I afflict you with more pain on top of what you already carry? What all has she told you? Would you go through denial? What?
Not a day passes that you’re not in my mind. And when I speak of you, I cannot hold back the tears. My heart aches for this loss. I ask myself, “Is he better off since mother cut me off?”, And “WHY? Why did she cut me off? Why did she tell me all those things? Is my mere existence what she detests?”
My therapist once told me that I probably blame you for not being there to protect me. I asked her how an adult or child could blame someone for something they never saw?
I have too many questions and no answers.
I don’t know what else to say – but I do know this will be my last attempt to contact you. Each time she stops it is too much pain for me. So I hope this attempt is successful.
I will no longer attempt with my mother. She’s made it very clear to me that she doesn’t want any connection. She also told me that you don’t either. But, I have my doubts, especially since I received it from her the same day she told me that she hasn’t let you know if any of my attempts, letters, invitations, etc.
I will respect your wishes, but I need to know your wishes, from YOU.
…
I miss you.
* * *
A Letter To My Father
It’s Father’s Day again. A time to appreciate your father. A time to express the love between father and child.
And yet, I cry and mourn my loss.
No, my father isn’t dead, he’s very much alive.
Many years ago, I made the decision to keep my father from knowing I was an abused child. I felt I had the right to protect my father from the “other side” of my mother.
As I grew, Mother kept telling lies to keep my words invalid, just in case I ever decided to tell the truth. Eight years of crying for MY father, not only on Father’s Day, but EVERY DAY, I have decided to tell my father.
My first marriage dissolved, and I tired of my mother’s (now only) verbal abuses – which she directed to my toddler daughter as well as myself. I drifted away…away from the pain.
About six years later, wedding invitations were joyously mailed. My parents didn’t show.
I had another child. My parents didn’t show.
My husband was preparing to leave for the military, I send a dinner invitation – begging my parents to meet my husband and family before we moved.
Then the phone call came. She hadn’t let Father see my letters, invitations, notes. She didn’t let him know about the phone calls “home”, and had no intention of telling him.
(The rest of that conversation is in Re-Writing My Future which is available at Amazon. Here’s a link for an in-depth review of Re-Writing My Future.)
My father didn’t know I remarried. He didn’t know I had another baby, or that my husband and I struggled for four months to keep our baby alive, and then another year fearing when the next seizure would hit, and what damage might be done. My father didn’t know that I am happy and proud of my life. He still doesn’t know.
Eight years after attempting to leave the pain behind, I realize I’ve made a large and painful mistake…I’ve made a decision FOR my father. I never gave him the chance to decide for himself. I tried protecting him, instead of letting HIM decide how to handle HIS life.
For that, I ask my father for forgiveness. I ask for my father back, so I can hug him. So I can tell him “Happy Father’s Day” with tears of pride, joy and happiness.
HAPPY FATHER’S DAY, DAD.
And, I’m sorry.
* * *
Please don’t stay quiet if you’re in an abusive relationship. If you can’t tell anyone inside your house, tell people away from home. Don’t be quiet about it. Get help.
And if you’re a survivor, and are still triggered, please seek help – counseling, group therapy…Please!
Being abuse is NOT your fault, nor is it okay. Let me say that again, “ Being abused is NOT okay.”
by Jan Toomer
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