The silent victim is the one hidden in the shadows, embarrassed and scared to let others know what’s going on. And afraid of what the abuser may do to them if they try to leave.
* * *
The relationship started off wonderful and pure. Once we got married, little things showed up…just enough for me to question myself. Did my spouse mean to snap at me?
I’m probably over-reacting or being overly sensitive.
I brushed it off.
The changes and outbursts were few and far between at first, but an unease was growing within me. A light gray mist clouded my mind as I struggled to figure out what I did wrong to trigger my spouse.
I stayed.
Screaming, yelling and berating me at home increased. Then it slowly began leaking out in public.
Yet I stayed.
At the demand for more of my time, I pulled away from my friends so I could make my relationship work.
So I stayed.
Isolated, the demands, insults, slamming of doors and throwing things at me increased.
Yet I stayed.
And the gray shroud became darker yet.
I found myself doubting…well…everything about me. I began feeling worthless.
Yet I stayed.
Then the physical attacks started. I cringed and withdrew even farther within myself, unsure how to make it better. To do better. To be better.
I stayed.
Then I realized one day that I was completely shrouded by a deep dark black cloud, unable to see or feel the light of being alive.
Yet I stayed.
Why? I didn’t know how to get out.
And I was embarrassed and ashamed.
So I stayed.
How do I seek help? Are there others out there like me? What if I’m the only one? Does that mean there really is something wrong with me?
Then one day, shaking and afraid, I left. But I didn’t seek help, so I stayed in the dark shroud. How can I get help when I’m too embarrassed to say, “Please help me. I’m an abused man.”
Silent Victims
Yes, men are also silent victims. Embarrassed to say they “let” a woman or spouse abuse them. Victims of abuse should not feel ashamed, guilty, embarrassed, etc. about their abuse. Nor should they stay with their abuser. And it isn’t your “fault”, ever.
We see plenty of ads, articles, and directions for help for abused women and children. It’s sad that we have a need for those services and aid – but it’s great they’re available for them. But what about men? There seems to be fewer resources publicly available for the male abuse survivors.
Male, female, or other gender identities…do not let shame or embarrassment stop you from seeking assistance to get out of an abusive relationship and get help in rebuilding and healing yourself.
* * *
Resources for male abuse survivors:
https://www.webmd.com/balance/features/help-for-battered-men
http://www.nationalcenterdvtraumamh.org/survivors/
The Hotline.org — What to Expect When You Contact Us
https://www.onslowwc.org/mens-resources-domestic-violence-and-sexual-assault
A survivor shares his experience:
https://www.dw.com/en/men-as-victims-of-domestic-violence-i-was-paralyzed/a-55472456
https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/relationships/a37016/male-survivor-of-domestic-violence/
mankind.org.uk — British survivors share their stories
Statistics:
https://assets.speakcdn.com/assets/2497/male_victims_of_intimate_partner_violence.pdf
* * *
The Collage Picture
“The Sun Can Shine Again”
First white lace was brought in to signify the purity of the relationship.
Different layers of varying degrees of grey shows the abuse progressing until the dark black appears.
The white rose (relationship purity), darkening by the exposure to the black, begins turning.
The thorn has bitten into the abused, drawing blood and draining the life force from them.
But, once the chains are broken, the wounds can begin to heal – and the sun can shine again. And the heart begins to mend.
The Sun Can Shine Again
by Jan Toomer
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